Although caregiving is an important and rewarding role, it isn’t always easy. You’ve probably reached points of exhaustion and burnout along the way. The good news is you aren’t on the journey alone. Your fellow caregivers know what it’s like to take on such an impactful responsibility, and they’re here to guide you.
We asked our experts with personal experience caring for older adults: “What is the best piece of advice you’d give to someone about caregiving?”
Here’s what they had to say:
Try not to judge yourself
Lisa Marie Chirico
“Don’t be critical of yourself or judge yourself for what you think you could have done better. You are [not] a machine or a robot; please be gentle with yourself and realize you’re always doing the best you can!”
Don’t be afraid to ask for help
Cameron Huddleston
“You don’t need to shoulder this responsibility entirely on your own. Ask family and friends to chip in, and be specific about the support you need. They might not even realize you need help unless you ask.”
Put your biases aside
Madison Geraghty
“We all know the golden rule, ‘Treat others how you would want to be treated.’ For caregivers, we take it a step further and practice what was once shared with me as the ‘platinum rule’ which is, ‘Treat others the way that they want to be treated.’ This simple yet profound idea of putting one’s own ideas or biases aside when caring for others can help build trust and further develop one’s empathy as a caregiver.”
Capture special moments
Rayna Neises
“Take more pictures; you’ll want them when the season is over. I wish I had more pictures of my time with my dad.”
Unplug
Deborah Adeyanju
“It’s critical to take time to recharge physically and mentally. I make time for vacations, though shorter than the ones I used to take, and I make sure everyone knows I am not to be contacted during vacation except in emergencies.”
Remind yourself why you’re a caregiver
K. Katrice Daniels
“Remember why you are doing it. There will be days where you receive no recognition but lots of complaints. On those days, remember your ‘why.’ Try not to take things personally and remember why you decided to become a caregiver in the first place. [Be] there for your loved ones in their time of need.”
Check in with yourself
Rayna Neises
“I would recommend scheduling time to reflect. Ask yourself questions so you have an idea of what you need and how to take care of you. How are you? What do you need? How is your loved one? What do they need? If something isn’t going well, what needs to be different?”
Practice self-care
Lisa Marie Chirico
“Self-care is a lot like giving yourself a gift and honoring yourself, instead of pushing away your personal health and wellness. Some great self-care ideas include taking a break to savor a cup of coffee (or your favorite beverage), spending time outside in nature, communicating with friends and other caregivers who share your journey, reading a book, listening to your favorite music, taking yourself out to lunch, exercise and meditation to quiet your busy mind. Being a caregiver is unpredictable, and your loved one’s needs can change overnight. By practicing daily self-care, caregivers can gain additional patience and resilience.”
Consider professional care
Cameron Huddleston
“If there are funds available to pay for professional care for your loved one, don’t feel guilty about going this route. It doesn’t mean that you have failed your loved one, it means that you are ensuring your loved one gets the care he or she needs and deserves.”
Have a backup plan
Deborah Adeyanju
“Caregiving is emotionally, mentally and physically draining. You can’t do it alone. Whether you are doing the bulk of caregiving for your loved one, or if you have regular caregivers, keep in mind that you need to take time for yourself. For hired caregivers, keep in mind that [they] will sometimes call out at the last minute, get sick, have to attend to ill children, take vacation, etc. Don’t assume you will be able to count on extended family members for help. … Plan accordingly and make sure you have a stable of regular and/or backup caregivers.”
Be intentional with your time
Rayna Neises
“Make choices in what you decide to take on as a caregiver. Do the things that only you can do. Take your loved one to the doctor, spend time with them. Don’t worry about cleaning out the gutters or mowing the lawn; hire someone to do those things. As things progress, there will be more than enough things to do that require you, and it’s difficult to let go of things you have been doing, so start out right.”
Open your heart
Lisa Marie Chirico
“To me, the best part of one’s journey as a caregiver is that as time goes on, you open your heart to more and more love. I believe this is why the well-known Tia Walker quote, ‘Caregiving often calls us to lean into love we didn’t know possible,’ resonates with most caregivers.”
Make memories
Lisa Marie Chirico
“Caregivers also create precious memories as they accompany their loved one each day, and nothing can replace that. When their loved one passes away, they are left with something very precious that time cannot erase. It is a true honor to care so deeply for another person this way.”
Focus on relationship-building
Rayna Neises
“As adults, we don’t take the time to really invest in relationships like we once did, especially when we live out of town. I was 220 miles from my dad, so spending three days a week with him gave me lots of time to make new memories. I love that I was able to make memories in his last years of his life that I will cherish forever. From going bowling, playing pingpong to funny inside jokes, I love that I have these things to hold on to now that he is no longer here.”
Acknowledge the difficulties of caregiving
Deborah Adeyanju
“No one, not doctors nor friends who’d been through it, told us how isolating it can feel. Friends (some) and loved ones ask in passing how your loved one is but rare are the ones who will ask how you are coping. Then there’s the general feeling of invisibility as the media chooses to report only on caregiving issues parents of young children face, while ignoring the invisible army of largely women caring for seniors. That is extremely alienating.”
Advocate for your loved one
Deborah Adeyanju
“The U.S. medical system is not equipped for dealing with seniors who need round-the-clock care and don’t want to be institutionalized. You’ll find yourself constantly fighting insurers’ bureaucracy to make sure your loved one gets the care they are legally and contractually entitled to and that they deserve. This takes up large amounts of time and energy. You’ll have to learn how to advocate for your elders and how to navigate the system, or hire someone who can do it for you.”
Be resourceful
Cameron Huddleston
“If Carefull had been around when I was caring for my mom, I would have been so grateful for the service. It makes the job of financial caregiving so much easier.”
Lisa Marie Chirico
“With some research, people will easily discover that there are many wonderful online resources available through community and national organizations that support family caregivers, especially those caring for senior family members. For those on the dementia journey, I highly recommend AlzAuthors.”
Madison Geraghty
“I wish someone would have told our family that it takes a village to care for a family member, and it’s OK to ask for help! My grandfather and my mom were my grandmother’s primary caregivers throughout her dementia journey. Their village grew when my mom learned about more resources like Meals on Wheels.”
Deborah Adeyanju
“Cameras are a must (of course with the consent of your loved one). This is especially true if they will be alone for extended periods of time, you are using hired caregivers, or will have a lot of people coming in and out of the home.”
