When mom or dad moves in: Setting appropriate boundaries in your home

Nine tips for maintaining and setting boundaries when a parent moves in

The number of Americans living in multigenerational households – two or more generations under one roof, including grandparents with their adult children – has more than doubled since the 1970s—from 7% to 18%.

And for a couple big reasons: We have more elderly people to care for, and many of us are also looking to save money on housing and care. Chances are, if you’re a caregiver for an elderly parent, you’ve at least considered the idea of moving mom or dad in with you. 

Of course, moving a parent into your home is a big step. It can have many positive outcomes: Children can build lifelong memories with their grandparent, it can save money, and you might even enjoy having your parent as company—and perhaps even as a helper around the house.

But it also involves change—and likely some stress. You may have a great relationship with your parent, but living together changes the dynamic of that relationship. Much like moving an adult child back into your home after college, a successful parent move-in requires planning, as well as setting boundaries and expectations.

A successful parent move-in requires planning, as well as setting boundaries and expectations.

Planning ahead

Even if you’re in crisis mode and need to move a parent in quickly, it’s prudent to take at least some time to plan and set expectations. Mary Winners, founder of About Senior Solutions, suggests hiring a geriatric care manager to assess the situation.

“You don’t know what you don’t know,” said Winners. “You might not even be clued in to their medical needs.” 

In addition to medical assessments and advice about health care, she said, a geriatric care manager can help you find resources for outside help should you need it.

Once you assess medical needs and ensure you can meet them, consider how much time you want to spend with your parent and how much time you want separate, she advised. Identify the activities you and your senior want to continue doing after the move. 

Other considerations include peripheral relationships: How will siblings react? Does the parent have a friend who wants to visit regularly? Does your spouse get along with your parent, and how will that affect the situation?

Winners advises creating a “contract” for living together. Cover items like:

• What household chores you will both tackle
• How the parent will interact with your children, including whether he or she will help with babysitting
• Where the parent will stay
• Expectations for family dinners and outings
• Expectations for visitors to the home

Map out the details as much as you can and re-evaluate periodically. There are still bound to be bumps in the road and new issues that arise, but advance planning paves the way for a smoother transition. 

Setting boundaries

Many times, moving a parent in is difficult because people fall back into past parent-child behavior patterns and arguments. It’s important to reaffirm your role as the head of the household and maintain your independence while also respecting your parent’s independence. Here are some tips:

• Don’t treat your parent like company. In the past, you may have organized family dinners when your parent visited. You probably made sure your children spent time with him or her. Now that your parent is living with you, set the expectation that family activities will continue, and you won’t be entertaining your parent all the time. That doesn’t mean you won’t spend time together—just that the dynamic will be different now.
• Create private spaces when possible. A private room for your parent is ideal; a basement or upper floor is even better. Do what you can to designate a private area.
• Set caregiving expectations. Consider all the caregiving tasks necessary for your parent, including medical care, picking up prescriptions, assistance with daily living and more. Decide who will take these tasks on, and hire extra help if necessary. Also, keep in mind your parent’s condition could worsen, and try to plan for that as well.
• Set expectations for interactions with children. Grandparents often have opinions about raising children that differ from their children’s ideas. Discuss how you raise your children, and reaffirm that you’re the parent and are in charge of discipline and other aspects of child rearing. Also, if you expect your parent to help with child care, discuss that ahead of time.
• Discuss finances and budgets. Set expectations for how your senior will help with expenses, if at all. Consider expenses for extra groceries, modifications to your home and home health care. 
• Consult a lawyer as necessary. Especially when finances are involved, it may be necessary to contact an elder law attorney. An attorney can help mediate any family disputes that arise, prepare written agreements, set up trusts, help with wills and estate planning, and more. 
• Maintain your lifestyle and theirs when possible. Maintain your social activities and hobbies, and try to maintain your senior’s as well. Find ways to manage caregiving and living with your parent without giving up your life to do it. Seek help from friends and family or investigate respite care if necessary. 
• Discuss alternative housing. There may come a time when this living situation no longer works. Be open to this possibility, and discuss it with your parent. Look into senior housing now so you have some options if and when you decide that’s the best choice. 
• Build a team. Find friends, family members and neighbors who can help you when you need it. Look into home care or respite care if necessary. Just make sure you’re not taking on all the responsibility for your parent without any backup.

Whatever happens, take care not to neglect your needs, warned Winners. 

“You have to take care of yourself, because if you don’t, you can’t care for anyone else.”